Bloody Mary Breakdown: A Simple Guide for Early Morning Fans

Hey everybody, I hope you've had as enjoyable of a week as I have, and that it keeps going through the weekend, (East Coast worries notwithstanding, of course. Hope everybody there can stay safe). I originally planned for this post  to be a review of a local watering-hole following Portland Timbers' match against DC United, but when the rumor of an early start time surfaced on Thursday my mind wandered from mentally preparing for a lovely evening in a bar to preparing for an entirely different beast: The Early Morning Kick Off.

However, since the match has been postponed, I've composed a short list of easy rules to remember to get the most out of your morning games:

#1) PLAN AHEAD

Getting up at 4:00 AM to watch a game on Saturday? Display a modicum of restraint on Friday night, or that alarm will come too early. One way to combat this problem is to simply not sleep, but this is not recommended, mainly because the humiliation of being a groggy, fuzzy-toothed drunken idiot at a restaurant at 6:00AM outweighs the fun of the game. Mild hangovers can be worked through however, because most games are shown in establishments that cater to the long-night-now-I'm-up-to-watch-Tim Howard crowd (hence the title of this post). Also, make sure that the place you plan on watching the game does in fact have the right channel package to show your game, and that it doesn't cater to one fan base, as securing a screen and audio can be difficult in the latter situation; this leads us to the second rule...

#2) HAVE A CONTINGENCY IN PLACE

You're up, you're caffeinated, you're ready to start the day with some eggs and alcoholic tomato juice! You arrive at your favorite sports bar (it's open at 5:00 AM, and Blazer games are a blast there!), but as soon as you walk in a pit hits your stomach. The Cranston Crabbers' ex-pat fan base has completely taken the place over and your kick is in fifteen minutes. Hopefully this isn't that big of a problem because you've selected a back-up bar, but by now you're going to miss at least a part of your game; this problem could have been avoided if you had kept rule #3 in mind

#3) ARRIVE EARLY

Want a table, a TV, and audio feed? Be the first to ask for it. I usually get to a place where I'm trying to watch a game at least a half-hour ahead of kickoff. Have a cup of coffee, order some eggs, and begin to prepare yourself for glory. 

#4) BATHE 

Get up in time to at least rinse yourself off a little bit, if you're skipping the shower throw on a hat, and brush your teeth. Hipsters wear bed-head to brunch as a perceived badge of honor, as if to say "I GOT DRUNK LAST NIGHT BETTER THAN YOU DID, NOW WATCH ME EAT A $7.50 EGG SANDWICH FOR 45 MINUTES WHILE YOU WAIT FOR A TABLE," you, on the other hand, have some self respect. 

#5) DON'T OVERDO THE BLOODY MARY CONSUMPTION

This rule mainly applies to the married or the responsible, and can be applied as liberally or as miserly as possible. There have been days when I've been drunk before 10:00 am because of a team or a game I love, but I didn't plan on a Fred Meyer trip afterwards. However, even if you follow this rule, remember...

#6) YOU WILL NOT ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING PAST 11:00 AM

You just had one Bloody, and like seven cups of coffee, you should be good, but you're not. Your team choked away a win in the last ten minutes, or you soundly whipped your opponent; if you're lucky, you won a close, exciting game. Either way, you're going to be too emotionally spent to go to the hardware store or shop for shoelaces and scotch tape: enjoy the nap time in a couple of hours.

Keep these rules in mind and your morning trip to root for your favorite team will be a fun and enjoyable experience, instead of just a pain and huge loss of weekend sleep-in time.