Cascadia Cup: A Sarcastic Preview of the Seattle Sounders

Steven Bisig-US PRESSWIRE - Presswire

Over the course of the 2012 season we've learned a lot about the Seattle Sounders. We Timbers fans may know more about them than any other team in MLS.

We learned about the Seattle Sounders' early season offensive struggles in the lead up to the Portland Timbers' 2-1 victory over them in June. We learned a bit about striker Eddie Johnson and goalkeeper Michael Gspurning before the 1-1 draw just a few weeks ago.

And Kevin Alexander has written a very thorough scouting report ahead of Sunday's game. This 11-page treatise is required reading for all those who hope for a happy homecoming for the Cascadia Cup.

With all that information out there, really, there's nothing more for me to add. So here are the Cliff's Notes -- just the basics about every inmate in the CLink. (Disclaimer: some of the following may not be suitable for Sounders fans.)

Fredy Montero, the diving, flailing striker who occasionally scores but mostly just draws fouls. (2.5 per 90 minutes)

Eddie Johnson, the target striker who was a huge MLS success story before he crashed in Europe.

Steve Zakuani, the Akron Zip who is best known for the terrible injury he suffered last year.

Christian Tiffert, some German dude.

Mauro Rosales, the midfielder whose strong crossing ability is pretty much all the Sounders offense has going for it.

Osvaldo Alonso, the temperamental defensive midfielder who, when the league hasn't suspended him, makes up for the lousy back line.

The back line, which really isn't worth listing individually by name. (Patrick Ianni is expected to start? Seriously?)

Michael Gspurning, the Grazer shot-stopper without whom the Sounders would currently be in 6th place. (1.15 ppm during his extended absence this season, which would put them below FC Dallas)

That's everyone, right?

Well, everyone besides the Flounder who talks the most trash about the Timbers but does the least about it on the pitch -- the Prince of Pyke Place, Brad Evans.

And finally, there's Sigi Schmid, the most massive joke of them all, who has had the most to say about the Timbers and their fans over the past two years. (In response to his most recent stab in the dark, I would say I'd be interested to see if the Sounders could get 66,000 fans to a game at the Peace Arch, which is as far from Seattle as Autzen Stadium is from Portland.)

Have I missed anyone?

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