Gifts Beneath the Portland Timbers' Tree

Stuart Franklin

Happy Holidays and to those who celebrate it a Merry Christmas! It is a season of gift giving and it is time to give gifts to our beloved Portland Timbers.

This is the time of year to think of others, so today we are thinking about the gifts that we would like to give to the Portland Timbers. Timber Joey cut down the tree, now let's fill the base with presents.


Donovan Ricketts: an iPod. The Timbers almost made their way to the MLS Cup final this year, where Rickett's penalty stopping would have been huge. With high hopes for next year, I would get Ricketts an iPod to watch videos of penalties being taken on the touch-line as Ben Foster famously did in the 2009 Carling Cup Final.

Maximiliano Urruti: a salon gift certificate. Urruti's mullet is, in a word, unfortunate. However, it could be worse. Sebastian Velasquez has the worst hair in MLS, but Urruti can top that with a little help from the pros. I believe in him.

Kalif Alhassan: a copy of "Bring It On". Whenever I think of jazz hands, I think of spirit fingers. When I think of spirit fingers, I think of "Bring It On". So, by the transitive property, I now think of Kalif as Kirstin Dunst.

Rodney Wallace: compromising pictures of Jorge Luis Pinto. If his club form can't get Rodney on on the field for Costa Rica, maybe some good old-fashioned blackmail can.

Steven Evans: a ten-gallon hat and set of spurs. Evans has always been known as having a bowlegged gait, so if he can go full-cowboy then it would really complete the look.

Pa Modou Kah and Futty Danso: a gift card to Fred Meyer. Really just in hopes that we get more videos like this.


Mikaël Silvestre: new knees, to help him make it through all of 2014 without an injury.

Darlington Nagbe: D-Mid Repellent. It's just like bug spray, but instead of mosquitoes, it keeps away Alonsos and Beckermans.


Diego Valeri: I want to give him a bag of Senzu Beans. So we will never have to be without our maestro again.

Gavin Wilkinson: A very large supply of Boudreaux's Butt Paste for the chaffing that make occur after every lines up and lays one on him.

Merritt Paulson: Last year I gave him a Neuralizer. This year I want to give him the phone number of a great commercial realtor who will get him a great deal on a bar.

Portland Media Relations: A huge case of Pepto, Pepcid AC or licorice root for all the delete tweets they have to deal with. Or lots of liquor. Either works.

What would you like to give to the boys in Green and the crew in the front office? Plus check out RCTIDnomatterwhat's list in the fanposts.

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