First and foremost I would like to wish everyone Merry Christmas and if you are not into celebrating Christmas then Happy (insert whatever holiday you want). Since the tradition is to give gifts at this time of year we have come up with some gifts to give the Portland Timbers.
To Franck Songo'o I would give the brightest, shiniest pair of orange boots in the world so that his slick moves can be seen from space.
To Jake Gleeson I would give some stickum, so he can hold on to the ball and avoid the rebounds that have hurt him previously.
To Will Johnson I would give a pair of ear plugs, because next season is going to be a little louder than he is used to.
To Milos Kosic I would give a nice day at the spa, so he can relax a little and get the feeling of that season as Toronto's number one out of his system.
To Mix Diskerud I would give the wisdom of Horace Greeley: "Go West, young man; go west, and grow up with the [league]."
To David Horst I would give some sweet dance moves, so that future goal celebrations won't be such a letdown compared to his first.
To Darlington Nagbe I would give a magic box to store all of his many talents so that he can always find them when the team needs them.
To Kris Boyd I would give a time machine set to return to the PK against Cal FC and a note with the advice my childhood soccer coach (i.e. my dad) gave his team about keeping the ball low: "Toe down, nose over the ball."
To Kalif Alhassan I would give Kobe Bryant's work ethic, but absolutely no other part of Kobe Bryant's personality.
To Michael Harrington I would give a rabbit's foot, a horseshoe, and a four-leaf clover to counter the bad luck we've had at fullback.
To Caleb Porter I would give an Alaska Airlines commercial as funny as John Spencer's.
To Hanyer Mosquera I would give a punching bag. You know, just in case he needs it.
To Ryan Kawulok I would give compromising pictures of Caleb Porter and Gavin Wilkinson. Now he can blackmail them just like Palmer did for playing time.
To Andrew Jean Baptiste I would give him the gift of maxed out stats on his FIFA 13 doppelganger, just so he can be the most sought after defender in the game.
To Merritt Paulson I would give a MIB neuralizer which he can place on Twitter. Now no one will remember the tweets he deletes.