Six Degrees: Five Favorite Wingers

It appears official that the Timbers have signed Yimmi Chara, but the news was too little and too late for me to write about, so instead imma continue what I started a few weeks back and list my favorite Timbers.

6) Last time, it was favorite strikers. This time, it’s favorite wingers.

And I gotta be honest, this was a tough list to make because I wasn’t sure who qualified as a “winger.” Soccer’s such a fluid sport, that players are hard to place in one specific position, especially the attackers.

For example, when I gave my five favorite strikers, I included Jeremy Ebobisse. But he played a lot of games last year as a winger. Can I list him here, too? What about Diego Valeri? At various times, he’s played as a central attacking midfielder and as a winger and as a striker.

So this is going to be tough and I’m just going to make some command decisions. If I list someone at one position, they can’t be listed elsewhere. Sorry, Jebo, you’ve already been listed. Sorry, Maestro, you’ll get listed later.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you, dear reader, can’t list them at a different position. If you wanna list Valeri with your strikers or wingers or goalkeepers, go for it.

On to my five favorite wingers, and remember, this list is completely subjective and has nothing to do with talent. You don’t have to be good to make my Top 5, I just have to like you.

5) My fifth favorite Timbers winger is Franck Tsongo’o.

I love that Franck had a c in his first name. I love that he had an apostrophe in his last name. I love that he wore bright yellow shoes so I could more easily ID him on the pitch. I love that he spent time in the FC Barcelona academy and certain people at a certain Timbers blog site wouldn’t shut up about it.

4) My fourth favorite Timbers winger is Sal Zizzo.

Sal’s greatest claim to Timbers legend status is not his beautiful crosses to Bright Dike or his appearance on a poster handed out to every fan on the last day of the 2012 season. No, his greatest claim to fame is that he and a friend owned and operated a food cart in downtown Portland. Can any other Timber claim this? I think not.

3) My third favorite Timbers winger is Kalif Alhassan

As the folks in Section 102 would say, “Kalif! Kalif! Put your hands up!” Somebody needs to put together a mega compilation video of Kalif’s jazz hands. They were amazing. Best jazz hands in professional sports.

2) My second favorite Timbers winger is Rodney Freaking Wallace

Is there anyone who didn’t love Rodney? The guy went all-out, non-stop for 90 minutes every game, he had great bug-eyed facial expressions, and he scored the winning goal in the 2015 MLS Cup. Seriously, if you ever meet someone who didn’t love Rodney Freaking Wallace, be very, very suspicious of that person. Something ain’t right with them.

1) My favorite Timbers winger is Sebastian Blanco

The great thing about Blanco is that he’s not just really, really good, he’s also really, really hilarious. And when I say “hilarious,” what I really mean is “just as likely to hug the referee as to start a bench-clearing brawl.” I absolutely love waiting to see what crazy shit he’ll do next. In fact, here’s a compilation gif. It’s not nearly long enough.

And there you go. That’s my completely subjective, completely personal Top 5 favorite Timbers wingers. Let me hear your favorites down in the comments. Explain your choices if you want or just give a list.