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Six Degrees: Favorite One-Year Timbers

Seattle Sounders v Portland Timbers - Western Conference Semifinals Photo by Steve Dykes/Getty Images

6) As you very well know, I’ve got the best readers in the world. And, lately, they’ve been giving me a ton of good ideas on how to fill the Timbers-shaped void this quarantine has created. The idea for today’s column came from nonopz.

My favorite Timbers who were only here for one year? Sounds fun. Let’s do it.

First, an important rule: as always with these Five Favorite columns, I want you to notice that word “Favorite.” These lists have nothing to do with talent, and everything to do with likeability.

Secondly, here are a few players who didn’t make the list:

  • Frederic Piquionne – Freddy was utterly delightful, and likely would have been number one on this list if it weren’t for the annoying fact that he’s not actually a one-year Timber. He played 783 minutes in 2013, then 13 more in 2014.
  • Brian Fernandez – Yes, he was insanely talented, but I can’t quite forgive him for messing up the Timbers locker room.
  • Mikael Silvestre – I dunno, man. #YouPeople seem to like Silvestre a lot more than I do. I thought he was only okay, both on the field and off. I’m probably wrong.
  • George Fochive – I really wanted to include Fochive, but while 2015 was the only year he played MLS minutes, he did play US Open and CCL games in 2014, so I’m disqualifying him. Sorry, George.
  • Kenny Fucking Cooper – He scored 18 goals in a season both before joining the Timbers and after leaving, but was mostly shit during the one year he was here.
  • Kris Boyd – Another guy who was great before getting here, then didn’t deliver. But I’ll give him credit, he did give us this wonderful moment.

Now, on to my five faves.

5) Steven Taylor

For a brief moment in 2016, the Timbers could line up with, not one, but two Premier League center backs. Taylor only played eight games, but I remember very fondly what a complete pain-in-the-ass troublemaker he was on corner kicks. Just annoyed the fuck out of opposing defenders and got a lot of talkings-to from the referees.

The Colorado Rapids v Portland Timbers Photo By Vince Chandler/The Denver Post via Getty Images

4) Kosuke Kimura

If I were to do a Five Favorites column for each of the continents, I’d have no trouble with North America, South America, Europe, or Africa. Oceania would be a little tougher, but I think I could do it. Asia, though? I’m pretty sure Kimura’s it. Are there some Asian Timbers I’m forgetting? (And Antarctica? Forget about it. I mean, we had that one Emperor Penguin who played for T2, but he never made the first team.)

Seattle Sounders v Portland Timbers Photo by Steve Dykes/Getty Images

3) Steven Smith

And if I did a Five Favorites column of Timbers Who Played In the UEFA Champions League, Smith would make it, having played in both the UEFA Champions League and the Europa League for Rangers. One of his teammates at Rangers? Fellow Scot and fellow one-year Timber, Kris Boyd.

Portland Timbers v Vancouver Whitecaps FC Photo by Jeff Vinnick/Getty Images

2) Samuel Armenteros

Quality striker, quality dude. I’d call Adi’s chainsaw moment our greatest goal celebration ever, but Armenteros running up onto the capo stand was pretty sweet, too. I wish we could’ve hung onto Sammy for a few years. He’d have knocked a lot of goals in.

1) Ryan Johnson

Speaking of goal celebrations, I always loved RJ’s non-celebration celebrations. He’d score and be totally calm, almost stone-faced, as if scoring a goal was no big deal. And why should he celebrate? Does the mailman celebrate when he delivers the mail?

Celebrations aside, Johnson seems like a good dude. His recent soundbite regarding the Atticus game is absolutely first-rate.

So there you go. My five favorite one-year Timbers. Have you got a favorite I didn’t mention? Tell me why you liked him down in comments. And remember, he doesn’t have to be good, you just have to like him.