1) Before we start, let me acknowledge that the idea for this column is totally stolen from IdahoTimber, who published a fanpost on February 24th called “An Unsolicited Review of MLS Logos.” When I read his column, I was like, Dammit, I, too, have opinions about team crests. Why didn’t I write this before IdahoTimber did? Damn him! Or her! Whichever!
So here I am, giving you my take on their excellent idea. I’ll break it down report card style, with A’s, B’s, C’s, D’s, and F’s. And, to be clear, these grades are not about the team itself, just its crest. I’m allowed to hate a team but love their crest. And vice versa.
Let’s hand out some grades.
2) A’s. Very Good Crests (all teams listed in alphabetical order)
Austin – I want to hate Austin, since their asshole owner tried to steal the Crew, but damn it all, this is an awesome crest. I like their unis, too. Please don’t make their players likeable, as well. I was really looking forward to hating them.
Minnesota – This is the single best crest in MLS. God almighty, do I love that stylized loon. Plus the red eye? And the north star? Fuck yeah, Minny. Fuck yeah.
NYCFC – Dunno why I like this one so much, but I do. Clean lines, good style, just a solid piece of design.
Real Salt Lake – Hate the team, love the crest. I’ve usually liked their unis, too. It’s annoying.
Sporting Kansas City – Just re-read the RSL comment, word for word. I wish these assholes had an ugly aesthetic, but they don’t. The fuckers.
3) B’s. Good Crests
Charlotte – Good color, clean design. I give it a B-.
Cincinnati – Like the shape, like the lion.
Dallas – Nothing fancy, just a good solid crest.
Nashville – At first, I hated it. Now, it’s grown on me.
Orlando – Hate the team, but the crest is solid.
Portland – This is the point at which you call me every dirty name in the book, but I stand by this grade. I deeply, deeply love the Timbers, but their crest? It gets a B. Good, but not great. Feel free to rake me over the coals down in comments.
Toronto – Solid crest. Verges on being too busy, but not quite. It’s a B-.
4) C’s. Average Crests
Colorado – It’s fine, I guess. Just like all these C-level crests, it’s perfectly acceptable.
Columbus – I really liked their old crest, with the three guys in hardhats. In my opinion, that was an A-level crest. This one gets a C.
Houston – This crest’s so new, I don’t really have an opinion on it. Ask me in a few years.
Miami – Pretty much everything in Miami’s aesthetic has been a letdown. Yes, this crest has pink, but just barely. Same for Miami’s uniforms. When you’re the only team in the league that features pink, you should lean into that shit, but so far, Miami hasn’t.
LA Galaxy – This is basically Colorado’s crest, only with different colors. It’s fine.
LAFC – I get the idea that most people like this crest, but I think it’s pretty meh.
NY Red Bulls – Not terrible looking, but it loses a letter grade for being a corporate logo.
San Jose – I have no real thoughts on this crest, which sorta makes it the very definition of average.
Seattle – The team gets an F, but the crest, it’s fine. I kinda like that the bottom looks like the keel of a ship if you were looking at it head-on.
5) D’s. Bad Crests
Atlanta – Too dark, too busy, and I can’t even see half of the A.
DC United – I remember liking their old crests better.
Montreal – Sorta like with Houston’s new crest, this is brand new, so my opinion could change, but so far, not a fan. And as with Columbus, the old crest was really good.
Philadelphia – Loses a letter grade for being a little too busy. D+.
Vancouver – I almost gave this a C, but no, it’s just too... something. I don’t even know what’s wrong with it, but something definitely is.
6) F’s. Very Bad Crests
Chicago – What the fuck is going on here? Are those supposed to be flames? Only some of them are going down? Or is it a crown? A crown that doubles as a choke collar? They’ve only had this mess for one year and I hear they’re already planning to get rid of it. Smart decision.
New England – Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the single worst crest in MLS. It looks like the logo for some clothing store at the mall in 1989 called American Rebel or something. And you know they sell acid-washed jeans and Bon Jovi t-shirts.
St. Louis – Just like with Chicago, what the fuck is going on here? What’s with all that shit on the left? I can see the St. Louis Arch, but all those other lines are just a mess. I don’t even like the colors. What kind of weirdo red is that? Like, fuscia or something?
So what do you think? Got any big disagreements with my grades? Let me hear about it down below. And don’t forget to check out IdahoTimber’s original post.